Glen, I recently heard someone say, “I have only one person’s guilt to carry: my own. If my spouse blames me for his/her difficulties, I will not accept that blame, but I need to take responsibility for my own weaknesses.” What are your thoughts on this circumstance? (An inquiry from a reader of my blog and book.)
Response: Another great question, T.! Thank you. Humbly and respectfully it is true, other than our children (up to a certain age), we can only take ‘true responsibility’ for our own health and well-being. We can endeavor to (at best) selflessly be good role models, but we (unless we are criminals) are not responsible for what happens to others. That said, we CAN healthfully embrace a genuinely loving and altruistic sense of ‘true empathy’ for others, while healthfully avoiding overt co-dependence (once again, congruent with taking true responsibility for our own health and well-being).
It is said in the health/wellness arts that I teach, coach, and endeavor to follow, that among the most difficult issues in our lives is the dynamic of forgiveness…a lack of forgiveness of ourselves and others. As a splendid healing mechanism for this common ‘thorn’ in our sides, we can learn to better and better embrace the following notions: There is a love beyond, yet inclusive of, familial, friendship, and romantic love. It is a selfless love, through which we can learn to embrace our comfort and discomfort equally – in a bright beautiful resplendent spirit of ‘true appreciation.’ It is a love which allows for ‘true honesty,’ promoting of ‘true happiness’ and ‘true Freedom’…but most importantly, needing less and less to hide behind. It is the right thing for the right sake – without the need for selfish recognition or hidden agendas. It is realization that we are much more in the same common boat than we often think and act. It is displaying dignity, decency, goodness, and grace…AND figuring out how to truly mean it, no matter what. IF we truly make the effort, it might even be a ‘glimpse of Heaven.’ — Dr. Glen Hepker
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Unfortunately in my professional life I see many cases when people blame anybody but themselves for the things that they have done. I must say truly accepting one’s responsibility for one’s actions is in many cases the first step towards full realisation. Great post as usual Dr Glen!
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I too see this everyday. All I hear is, “I can’t, they won’t let me.” It’s truly frustrating when people don’t take a second a really look in the mirror. The root to all their problems is right in front of them. A very eye opening post.
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So VERY much so, RaSoul – I wholeheartedly agree! Thanks so very much for sharing, and please know it genuinely means a lot. Brightest of blessings in your day. -Glen
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Thanks so VERY much, Dr. Olga! Yes, I see the same thing in my work (counseling and in interacting with students and people in general). Blaming and complaining are much like a disease. Please know it means a lot that you have shared your thoughts, my friend. Brightest of blessings in your day – Glen
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